We've (M37, F33) been married for 11 years. He has always wanted to work independently (he has no career, but works in construction) because he's not comfortable in office jobs, and frankly he's not good at it either. He never quit any job, but he did not particularly enjoy working, arguing that pay was too low. He always said to me that if I let him work independently, he'd be happier, and would earn more money. When the last company he worked for shut down, I finally got tired of 'forcing' him to work office jobs, and told him that he could do whatever he wanted. It's important to mention that when we met, we were contributing 50-50, then I grew in my career and he didn't, so it became 75-25 (by his request, obviously). Two years ago, when he had his last job, he said he could only contribute with basic services (while I pay the mortgage, vacations, and a part of food). In these 2 years, he had his share of small projects, but his money eventually ran out, and last month he told me he can't contribute anything anymore. I know starting a business takes time, but he just doesn't seem any good at it. He does not know how to look for clients. He's slow. He's a bad organizer. He's bad with people. The only thing he's good at, is at manual things. In the course of all these years he gradually bought tools for carpentry, and has made furniture, but it just does not sell... all the clients he has had are my friends or my family. In 2 years he did not have any independent client. I'm just so tired of helping him... first to find jobs, now to find clients and closing the deals. Last time (about a month ago) he told me he cannot contribute ANYTHING anymore because he's trying to grow his business, I blew up at him and told him to get a normal job because clearly his little venture is not working. He behaved like a little child, blaming me for not supporting him, and telling me that these things take time. Maybe he's right in one thing, I have friends who are architects, and they work independently, but I think that if you fail basic adulting, there's no f-n way you could start a business. He also acted very resentful because sometimes I take trips alone, and buy nice and expensive stuff for myself, while, in his words 'he doesn't even have money for a new pair of shoes', but I don't feel bad at all because I earned my money, and I get to spend it how I want. I've also invited him to many vacations (I don't always go alone), but obviously I don't buy him clothes, and the food I buy is sometimes only enough for me. I know some of you would say that's sh*tty, but what am I supposed to do? Support a healthy grown man who took bad decisions?"AITA for wanting to divorce my husband because he's unemployed even though money isn't an issue?"
Setting aside finances, we're very compatible, love and are attracted to each other. He has no vices. Is faithful. Likes spending time with family. He does a lot of stuff in the house, and I don't have to do anything for him (cook, wash clothes, all of it he does by himself and sometimes for me) but it seems like money is just something that makes us both awful to each other.
I could make a massive effort and cope with the fact that he'll always be a financial dead weight, but it just seems like this is becoming worse than everything good in our 15 (11 married and 4 relationship) years of knowing each other.
Before you say it: he doesn't want to go to therapy, he probably has undiagnosed ADHD, and we have a prenup, so if we divorce he literally goes back to mommy's house without a dime. House is in my name only.
Cars are in my name as well. No kids. I'm not sure I want to go through a very painful divorce because of this, but the way things are worsening is becoming intolerable...
Should I just suck it up, and enjoy the good things, it's basically perfect aside from this, and cope with the fact that he'll never contribute anything financially? Many women are SAHMs/contribute close to nothing, but this just seems different... in a bad way. Because he's a man? AITAH?
Let's see what readers had to say:
crygeneral999 writes:
No joke. If I were in his shoes I'd be looking for an out big time. That's one cold hearted person. Reverse the genders and most the 'oh you poor thing' responses would be saying what an unsupporting AH OP is for treating his wife this way.
Make him go hungry? Unclothed? Put him down? Go on vacation and leave him home? She's not just an AH shes a mean girl. YTA
Hey OP:. If the financial situation isn't to your liking instead of being the mean girl to your husband tell him what you want out of a husband and help him get there, some people need a loving spouse to help them along we all do better at certain things.
Maybe he says he can't you what you want. Then you have a real discussion about your needs not being met and go from there.
spadez writes:
YTAAAAA.One of the last things she said, which really irked me, was how she knows some women are SAHM or sprovide financially nothing but do things around the house but with her husband it's worse somehow because he's a man.
She resents being the breadwinner and if she really is withholding things like food and clothing with ONLY her name on everything that could b seen as a form of abuse.
proofreader writes:
There's no shame in one spouse being a SAHP, as long as that's what both partners want and agreed to. This is not the case here. She thought she was getting a partner, but she ended up with a dependent. I'm glad OP can still see him as a great guy with some wonderful qualities, but that may not be enough for her.
She wants (and expected) a full partner. By all means, pursue the ADHD thing, but even with a diagnosis and meds, he may still be unable to get his business off the ground. It's not just a lack of focus with him, it appears.
He honestly seems to have no idea what it takes to run a business, and all the Adderall in the world won't help that. I think he's quite comfortable with puttering around everyday, and allowing her to pay the bills. But that may just be me.
Edit's from OP after reading the comments:
1. I won't enter into details, but there's no way he's legally getting anything from me, so don't waste time discussing alimony.
2. With respect to the house chores, on a typical week the only thing I really do is cook 1 meal a day, like 2-3 times a week. He offered to cook more, but I'm honestly a better cook, and when I do cook, I always make enough for the 2 of us. He makes breakfast and dinner for me, but I don't eat much, so breakfast and dinners are very basic (I'll ask him to make me a sandwich, or a salad).
I haven't mopped a floor in 5 years, he does all that. The thing is, we live in a big house, but since we're only 2 people with no pets, it just doesn't get dirty. I bought a large house for when things were better, and we were going to have kids (he really wants kids). If we get a divorce, I'm probably moving somewhere smaller.
Outside the house keeping, he does literally everything (house maintenance, drives me everywhere, takes me to doctor appointments, takes care of me when I'm sick). When he's hungry and I'm not, he cooks for himself, and cleans afterwards (with a time lag, but he does eventually clean).
Dishes sometimes stay until night, but he does wash them at night (mine and his). He's not a great housekeeper, but he does his best.
3. Like I said, I don't eat much, so sometimes I buy quality food in small portions, and he does not touch them because the portions I buy wouldn't be filling for him anyway. We just have different eating habits, that's what I meant with respect to food.
4. The comments about ADHD are very insightful and helpful. Also the career advice.
5. I appreciate this blew up, so much information in the comments. Even the person who made an account "just for me", to call me "pure evil AH", that was funny. Thanks for making me laugh when I'm feeling like sh*t, even though it wasn't your intention.
6. I was going to delete this at some point, but I prefer to leave it, in case some other woman feels like I do. You're not alone.
Final edit:
I showed him the post. He asked to take it down because it's humiliating for him, and he has friends who might see it. I refused, and said I'll take it down when we have a proper conversation about this.
Sources: Reddit
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