Woman issues ultimatum to husband; 'You have two choices. Divorce me or become a SAHD.' AITA? UPDATED 2X + RESPONSE FROM HUSBAND (2024)

I keep questioning myself: was I too harsh? Any good advice would be appreciated. Update: I never thought this would draw so much attention. I'm trying to read as many comments as I can and I really appreciate your opinions, especially those pointing out things I should have told him and I didn't. I've decided to show him the post after work and see if we can have a real talk based on that. Again, thank you all.

TL;TR: I told my husband to choose between divorce and being a househusband, AITA?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

ahkian:NTA giving him the month was super generous

OOP: He was the one who supported the family before, I thought I'd give him time to recover. I was wrong.

FairlyFartDaydreams: NTA but once you have a job and health insurance insist he get therapy. It might be burnout or depression but he needs to seek help you can't enable him to sink into it

OP: Thank you, I didn't think of that, but he seemed really happy playing with his friend. Is it normal?

FairlyFartDaydreams Yes when I get depressed I can still read but I don't really want to do anything else. Video games, binge watching shows, reading, food can all give us a dopamine hit that may make us feel "normal".

It is important to call out the behavior and make sure he is attempting to get better. PArt of it might be the ego hit from getting let go from his job. The important thing is to not let it go untreated/unremarked too long. Tell him adulting sucks but we all have to do it.

Update 1:

So, I got off work, picked up my daughter, and showed my husband the post after she fell asleep. I told him that millions had seen it and made various points. I admitted that my ultimatum was an impulsive reaction and that I preferred having a calm discussion to work through this.

He said he was surprised I shared family matters on Reddit and that he wouldn't have done it. He said he wasn't feeling depressed, just tired and exhausted after years of working, and he just wanted to be childish for a bit and really enjoyed the month off.

I kind of understood because we used to travel a lot before our daughter was born, and life has been harder since then. I told him I wouldn't force him to work and that he could take his time as long as he could pick up our daughter and do the housework. He hesitated but told me not to worry.

See Also

Man refuses to divorce his wife after girlfriend gives him an ultimatum, 'I was honest from the start.' AITA?'AITA for wanting to divorce my husband because he's unemployed even though money isn't an issue?''My wife wants a divorce but is angry that I’m moving out. AITA?' UPDATEDI asked my husband for a divorce because of this weird habit

I thought this was the end of it. Then, the next day, I came home from work to find his mother there. I was shocked because he hadn't told me anything. She started picking up our daughter and doing the housework.

This is driving me crazy because I have never gotten along with her well, and my husband knows this. I feel like he asked her to come so he could continue being childish, disregarding how I feel.

His mother raised him as a single mom, and according to my husband, she was very protective and planned to live with him for his whole life. He felt suffocated, so he went to a university far from home and reduced contact with her.

I remember one time she came and got sick, vomited, and I cleaned up her mess. Suddenly, she asked her son to come and told him that her underwear was dirty and needed to be washed by hand that very night, even though we had a washing machine.

My husband and I had agreed that our marriage was ours and that she wouldn't come and live with us. He broke his promise.

I'm considering divorce, but I'm worried our daughter is too young to understand it. I've thought about holding on for a while, but these days of living with her are already driving me crazy, and I don't see a quick end. I've thought about being an AH and forcing her to leave, but that might lead to divorce.

I really need some advice. Thank you all. TL;DR:I (36F) showed my husband (37M) the last post, and we had a talk. Then, without asking me, he invited my mother-in-law to come, even though he knows I’ve never gotten along well with her.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Glittering-Bat353: So... you tell him he needs to pull his weight as an adult, and his answer is to literally call his mommy to do the work for him?! If he wants to be a child so badly, you really need to pack him up and send him back home with his mommy so she can baby him the way you will (and should) not.

Not to mention that you're the breadwinner and can't stand this woman. Put your foot down and get both out of the house.

You gave him an ultimatum. He woefully failed it. Now, you need to follow through with the other half of it and bring out the consequences.

OP: I know this could be the final solution. Thank you.

Open-Incident-3601

And if you stay, you will teach your daughter to also choose a man who mistreats her. Imagine your daughter married to a man just like her Dad with a MIL just like yours and then make your decision.

OP: I would hate myself if this scenario really happens , you have a point. Thank you.

HappyPayment1

What can you tell us about his mom? Doesn't she understand what your going through given that she's a single mother, and why don't you get along with ? Any personal reason?

OP: He and I have knew her mother would do anything to be with him, and he have chosen to go for it. This sucks. I don't want to fight with my MIL constantly for having my husband.

See Also

His Dad Agreed To Financially Help His Wife After A Messy Divorce To Mend Fences, But His “Mistress” Wife Insists His New Family Needs All His Money Instead

And now, THE HUSBAND'S RESPONSE:

I found out my wife posted about our situation on Reddit, so I thought I should share my side too. I lost my job in May and wanted some free time because life after having a baby feels suffocating. I've always been a free spirit, working and traveling, and then I met my wife, J.

This lifestyle continued, and we traveled a lot, from Tibet to Antarctica. I was a seller, and she had a great business selling replica bags, making enough for us to enjoy our lives.

We hit it off, got married, and had a great time together. We even considered being child-free and consulted an older couple on an Antarctic cruise, whose happiness convinced me this could be our future.

The thing is, my mom really wanted a grandchild. At the time, I didn't think much of it and felt it wasn't a big deal, so I discussed it with my wife, and we decided to go ahead. Her pregnancy was tough; she had severe morning sickness, and I felt really sorry for her.

After the baby was born, she wanted to focus on the baby, and I agreed to hold the family burden alone. Life then became all about work, with no more traveling or other interesting stuff. So last month, I had enough.

No more working, no more baby duties, and we agreed to give me a trial break. The past month was quite healing until one day she got mad and suddenly gave me an ultimatum of divorce.

I didn't want a divorce, so I started doing housework, which I wasn't prepared for. Then last week, my wife came home and asked me to talk, showing me her post about us in this sub.

She said millions of people had read it and called me an immature AH. I was pretty upset and asked my mother to help with the housework so my wife would be relieved and, to be honest, to call her bluff.

She's not happy, of course, and neither am I. We've barely talked since then, kind of a cold fight. These days, I've caught her several times watching her phone for a long time and sometimes crying.

I believe she posted about us again, and I've been waiting for her to talk even though I wanted to start the conversation but got cold feet feeling the tension in the family. Writing this is easier.

So here I am. This is my first and last post about it. I just want to share my side of the story. And J, if you see this, I'm ready to talk anytime.

Update 2 (from husband):

I've been hesitating because we had a great time, and I have been loving you; I didn't talk to you these days because I wanted to see if you would send your mother home and talk.

I update now because, as you said in the post, I see you and want everyone, especially those who told me you might have been depressed, to see you.

I can't believe you'd rather defend yourself on Reddit than talk to me face to face. If that's how it is, let's do this.

UPDATE 3 (FROM OP):

After my last post, I was in a weird state. I felt trapped in a limbo where talking to my husband seemed futile, but the thought of divorce felt like an invisible hand was squeezing my throat, making me hard to breathe.

I decided to make an appointment with my psychologist, who has known my childhood and understands my background, including my adoption and family dynamics. Yes, I am adopted. Although my adoptive parents treated me very well, I generally don't like to talk about it.

Before I had my child , I specifically consulted the psychologist because I was afraid that my unresolved issues might unconsciously affect my daughter.

So, during our conversation, she pointed out that the child in me desperately longs for my biological parents, while the love from my adoptive parents makes me reject this idea. As a result, I am obsessed with maintaining the ideal biological family that I never had. This insight resonated deeply, making me realize why I had delayed taking decisive action for so long.

After our session, I felt a strong urge to speak with an attorney about divorce. I wanted to prioritize my daughter's future over my illusory family unity. I gave the attorney all the necessary information and expressed my desire for a quick resolution.

She informed me that the process could be completed in as little as a week if my husband agreed to cooperate, although it might take longer otherwise. She recommended that I discuss the matter with him to facilitate the process. So I have been planning in my mind to choose a day to confront him.

During this period of hesitation, I came home one day to find that my mother-in-law had left. My husband had prepared dinner and apologized for his behavior.

He admitted to being childish and expressed deep regret for his actions, acknowledging the negative feedback he received on Reddit. Realizing that so many people found his behavior unacceptable, he understood that he had been in the wrong.

I reiterated that divorce might be the best option as I couldn't see a way forward together. In response, he handed me a letter taking full responsibility for the problems in our marriage and admitting his mistakes.

He asked for one final chance to prove himself as a good husband and father, promising that if he failed, I could use the letter to proceed with the divorce at any time.

After much hesitation, I agreed to give him this last chance and informed my attorney to hold off on the divorce proceedings for now. Although my attorney mentioned that the letter had no legal standing, she assured me she could handle the situation with or without it.

For now, I'm cautiously optimistic, willing to see if my husband's efforts will lead to genuine change. If things don't improve, I'm prepared to take further steps to ensure my daughter grows up in a healthy and loving environment. I believe the decision is in my hands, and I am now determined to do what's best for my family.

I want to thank everyone for their comments; they helped me see many options. I especially appreciate those who shared their life experiences, providing me with the strength to take action.

By the way, I'm back to my bag business. If anyone has any issues or needs help with identification, feel free to DM me. I'll do my best to help, as I feel I owe Reddit for this. I hope this will be my last update.