'My wife wants a divorce but is angry that I’m moving out. AITA?' UPDATED (2024)

She has made it clear she doesn't want anything from our assets as it would be "stealing my effort". We own four properties, two cars (paid off), about 600k+ in investments, no debt other than mortgages. I've brought this up multiple times that we can divvy out our assets to get her started but she is very against it.

Her family is fairly wealthy from outside the USA and she wouldn't have trouble getting decent financial support from them. Her therapist convinced her to do a trial separation before committing to divorce. When we started the separation process it was very difficult to be in the same house together. She said she wanted to move out and I supported her in this.

The primary issue is she doesn’t have much money($500) in her private checking, so I told her she could have whatever she wanted. We had over 80k in our saving at the time and said she could get started with that. She refused. She said the money was my effort and it would be stealing.

Despite my efforts of telling her it’s “our” money and not “my” money she continued to decline. I said that I could loan her the money but she refused and said I was manipulating her to take money and would have more control over her. She said she wanted to save up and move out.

My heart was breaking everyday staying in the house. While not working I would just lay in bed and cry. I decided to stay with family in Indiana for a while. She was upset by this as she said she was the one that was supposed to leave the house. I told her she wasn’t making progress quick enough to move out and I needed to leave because I was really sad/depressed.

While I was visiting family I made the decision to buy a very small condo close to my family. I figured I could live closer to family and she could stay in the current house until she was ready to figure out what she wanted to do.

I consulted her about me moving. At first she was supportive of this but was still upset that she would stay in the house and rely on me to pay the mortgage. I offered money again and told her to set all the terms but was just met with hostility. She told me I was being controlling and manipulative.

When I asked her to clarify how she viewed I was doing that or I would express that was not my intention she would get more upset. Things just remained static for some time. A couple weeks ago I came back to our house to pack the remainder of my belongings. Our relationship seemed to be doing well and even seemed like we might pull through this.

Then she just broke down tonight. She said it’s not fair that I have money and can move away. That I’m disrespectful towards her that I can just “throw money around” and “go have fun.” I said I didn’t view moving as fun and starting in a new city where I have very few connection is going to be difficult for me.

I told her I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful and asked how I can support or what are some options we can move forward with. She just kept coming back to how angry she is with me. I figured maybe she was just really upset and just needed to vent. So I just did my best to listen and empathize with her viewpoint.

After her attacks started to get more personal/mean I asked her what my options are. She yelled at me saying that she doesn’t care about my options. It’s her options she’s concerned about and she feels like she doesn’t have any. So she is angry at me and calling me an a$$hole for moving while she feels stuck.

See Also

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After that portion of conversation she told me she just wants to cry in peace and wishes she could go get a hotel for the night. I offered that I could leave to stay somewhere else for the night or pay for her hotel. She started yelling at me that I’m an a$$hole, that I’m trying to steal her wish of staying at a hotel.

She started saying some pretty mean things and I didn’t like how she was treating me(name calling) so I told her I was going for a walk. She mockingly told me to go stay at a hotel and “have fun.”

I walked to a diner to have a cup of coffee and read a book. She called me about an hour later asking where I was. I told her and she responded “so are you spending the night there? I’m going to bed” and then hung up. That was around 8:45pm. I walked back to the house and she went to bed when I got home. Am I doing something wrong by moving? I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. AITA?

Edit #1:

Thanks for all the support and feedback so far. Just a note on mental health and therapy. My wife was recently diagnosed to have bipolar 2. She is very skeptical of the diagnosis and refuses medication. I haven’t done well in understanding this mental health issue.

We started marriage therapy in November but only lasted a few sessions. She said the therapist took my side too much. Manage to convince her to do individual therapy. She told me recently that she might not go anymore. My wife had tried a variety of therapists in our years together but usually stops after a month or two because she thinks they are dumb.

Edit #2:

There has been a ton of constructive input. I thank you for that. It’s a lot to read but I’m trying to read it all. I want to mention a few things about jobs, family, and divorce. Before we were married she had a strong successful career for over ten years. She was extremely burnt out and decided to find a new career. She’s been doing that since we have been together and generally won’t settle for basic jobs.

She is trying to find something to advance her career paths but with little success. On family, she doesn’t have the most supportive family. They make her our to be the bad guy which makes her angry. If she stayed with her family I think it would do more harm than good. I’ve messaged her father asking him to be supportive of his daughter but I know they are upset as well.

On divorce, I’ve been dragging my feet on this. I keep telling myself it might get better. That I can be a better husband and she can be a better wife. I know it seems delusional at this point but divorce is not something I wanted and I struggle to get my mind there.

It’s hard to see my wife as a mean or vindictive person. I’ve always tried to see the amazing things in her and to be supportive. There are moments in these past months where she tells me she is crazy and she is hurting me. She has moments of reflection and grief on how she reacts to the situations. So I get hooked back in that this can still be resolved.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Beneficial-Ball8375 said:

NTA/ Your wife is a mess and needs therapy asap. I feel like she's projecting. Her claim that you are 'stealing' anything by offering her financial support to achieve her own accomplishments (moving out, finding a creative career path, whatever) is actually kinda delusional?!?

I get her sentiment that she can't stay in a relationship where she has herself started to hate to a seriously worrisome degree, but, as you tell the story, I actually see no option for you to help her/ save this relationship. She needs help and you need distance from her. Stay strong!🧡

AbsoluteIllusion said:

NTA - i am sorry but your wife needs help and honestly man do you want to be married to this dumpster fire for any longer now that you see how shes actually acting and willing to put you through the crap for?

Impressive-Arm2563 said:

Nta, just stop telling her your plans altogether. Apparently nothing you do can ever be right. Just get away from her and get your divorce.

GlassMotor9670 said:

NTA. you seem to be bending over backwards. She seems to be having a breakdown

Since the original post, OP shared this major update on the situation:

She approached me this morning. She apologized for the way she treated me yesterday. She said she thinks it’s better that I do move out and that she thinks she isn’t good for me. I didn’t say much and just agreed with her. When I started to agree with her she started to backtrack and started to get mad again. Going back to last nights issues and she left crying and blaming me again.

Story time. I feel like she isn’t getting a completely fair shake in all this. I made this thread specifically about her anger towards me for moving out but I’m not innocent in our relationship and have been far from the perfect husband. This will be a long read so feel free to ignore.

I’m going to cover how and why we got married, our perspectives on a marriage and a brief timeline that lead us here. My perspective on a healthy marriage is we are each confident in ourselves. We want each other and not need each other. We support each other and cheer each other on. We are there to help bring out better versions of ourselves. We listen, empathize and respect one another.

Her perspective that I learned much later is that we need to create a family together. Not with kids but that we have a life project such as having the same jobs or hobbies. That we are always with each other in every moment.

That we move slowly in life, an example she likes to use is that if we are walking in a park there should be moments where we see a beautiful plant and sit there and contemplate the plant. That we are always on the move exploring our surroundings. That we have the same schedules, as in, when she gets up I get up and when she goes to bed I go to bed.

Some people viewed our relationship as a Hallmark story. She was a foreign exchange student at my dads house 22 years ago. I lived with my mom and would visit my dad. We had crushes on each other and she invited me to prom. We dated very briefly before she went back to her home country. We fell out of contact when we went to college.

Fast forward fifteen years, my dad had cancer and he is going to die. I reach out to her asking if she wants to say any goodbyes. We start talking a lot and she decides to come see him in person. We fall madly in love, brought us back to teenage years. My dad recovers or so we think. We want to stay together and not worry about long distance so we get married.

Two weeks after that my dad died. I tried to be the stable person for my family and never really had a chance to grieve nor did I go to therapy. When we first got together I didn’t need to work much. We were very active physically and mentally. A few months after my dad died we went on a road trip with friends and one of them died in a motorcycle accident.

I felt like I was surrounded by death. I didn’t go to therapy and I reverted into a computer screen. I played lots of games to distract myself. We still did a lot of things together and traveled a fair amount but not up to her standards. I didn’t really explore the city much with her and wasn’t good at getting her involved in my friend circle.

At one point I told her it’s important she makes her own friends. My friend circle at the time were all coworkers. She expressed her concerns to me about gaming and exploring the city and I took what she said seriously. I said I need help working through this and want her patience and support. I unfortunately didn’t get that.

Fast forward and I think things are getting better. When I ask her she says things are better but in reality she is harboring loads of resentment. Pandemic hits. We are with each other 24/7 and I work remote. Pandemic was kinda fun for the first six months, we created a cafe on our back patio where we were the only guests. We had Netflix binge days. Board games and family zoom calls.

I’m getting bored out of my mind at some point and play a lot of games again. I think this is okay because she is watching TV, handcrafts, etc. Later I find out she wanted us to be doing a family project together. Not something we are both interested in but something she is passionate about. So in this case breakfast was extremely important to her.

So I made adjustments to get up earlier to start making breakfast with her. The theme here is if she is bothered by something I do my best to adjust within reason. I’m far from perfect in this and I do fail but always try again. I’m a fairly introspective person and want to become a better human and husband. The main issue overall with this is that even when I adjust she still holds resentment.

Also an important bit of information. My wife has some medical issues that knocks her out of commission for about 5-7 days a month. Every time this has happened for the past six years I take care of her. Physical necessities like food, medicine, massages and emotional necessities like listening, comfort, support, lots of hugs.

Fours years into our marriage my thirteen year old dog is diagnosed with congestive heart failure. I’ve had my baby girl since she was two months old. I spent a lot of time taking care of her and thousands on vet visits. I start not going on trips, not going out for some activities, and generally staying home a lot.

Going to dinner or under three hour events were fine but I generally didn’t leave my dog alone for long. Because we were home so much I would entertain myself when my wife went out with friends or she was doing things. But she had grown resentful more that we weren’t doing anything because of the dog. This happened for two years.

She felt like she sacrificed her life to come to a country she didn’t want to be in or liked. That it would be okay if I gave her the attention she deserved. She felt alone. This broke my heart. When my dog died I was a mess but I vowed to build a better family with her. We traveled for close to three months. We started planning to move somewhere and start exploring the world.

I thought things were going great. I wasn’t playing games anymore, we were very active again physically, and we were planning for the future. Then she dropped the divorce but on me a few days after my birthday. After seeing all the comments about bipolar 2 I think it’s always been an active part of our relationship. I’ve seen this pattern before but thought it was my fault.

I have a hard time distinguishing what is normal relationship and what is not at this point or if I’m a piece of crap or not. From the outside perspective our friends and family think I’m extremely good to my wife. From her perspective no do much depending on her mood. This is a very very high level overview but hopefully gives more context and empathy towards her.

Thank you everyone for your input. I read every single comment and message though don’t have the time to respond to all. All this feedback gave me pause and encouragement.

The overwhelming majority of you have been supportive and practical. I will be applying what I have learned in the meantime and frequent a therapist more. I move out next Thursday and will provide an update on how things go when I’m settled. Wish me luck.