My wife and I are married for 6 years now,we have a daughter together. Our marriage became bad after our daughter was born. A big point of contention was surname for our daughter. I wanted mine, she wanted hers. We compromised on hers after a lot of bickering on her surname. I conceded to the argument that she was carrying the baby, so she deserves the honor. And I was okay with it, it made sense. But it always sat in some unreachable corner of my mind. Now I know why. For 3 years she gave all her love to our daughter. It was like I wasn't even in her radar. I was kept at a distance. When I communicated I was accused of being jealous of my daughter. Some part of me knew that I was, and I felt ashamed. Soon it became the new normal. I was lonely and I learned to be okay with it. My boss invited me to his house for dinner. He is a great man, very supportive. His wife was very affectionate towards him while mine was distant and naggy. I saw their relationship and I compared it to mine and I came to a realization that my wife is not into me. Maybe she never was. Now she has someone she actually loves (my daughter) so she doesn't need me for companionship. I am just an annoyance. It was not a sad realization, it was freeing. I want what my boss has, a woman who loves me. That's not my wife. That surname bit came to my mind. My boss's wife is proud to take his last name, to give her children his last name. Mine doesn't feel that pride. I told my wife that I want a divorce. I gave her my reason, I talked about my feelings. She was angry and annoyed. Told me that we have family together and I should grow up...that up and downs are part of marriage. She said she will try to be better from then on. She tried to give me sh$t about what I said about surnames. Called it chauvinistic. I decided not to argue back. I started the process of divorce and she was served 2 days ago. She was shocked, I have never seen her like that. It was like she couldnt even believe that I was actually divorcing her. In her defense it all happened in 3 weeks span. She is now trying to make me stop divorce. She said she will take my name and give our daughter my name if that's what I want. She still doesn't get it. Surnames were just symptoms of the bigger problems. She just does not love me enough. I want someone who does."AITA for divorcing my wife because I want someone better?"
She wants therapy but I don't see how that will help us in any way. She said our problems can be fixed and not to gamble my life and our daughters life like that. There is no guarantees.
She is not wrong, I am playing a huge gamble with my life. Buy I do want a woman who can love me like the wife of my boss loves him. I want a better wife than my current wife. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Agustin984355 said:
Choosing happiness and a fulfilling relationship is not wrong. NTA.
ChrissyK1994 said:
NTA. However, with that said, it concerns me a bit that you never once mentioned your own feelings towards your wife. So you feel that she doesn't love you, but do you love her? You feel she is not affectionate towards you, but are you affectionate with her? I'd thought this would be highly relevant.
I think divorce is a valid choice for you since you clearly don't feel happy in your marriage. Meanwhile, there is a possibility that you may also need to work on your own capability to love in order to find someone who love you like your boss's wife loves him.
AccomplishedInsect28 said:
NTA for wanting better but I do think you need to interrogate your issue with the name a bit further. What you said about his wife being proud to take his name sounds projected - did she straight up say “I was proud to take my husband’s name?"
It’s not an achievement to be proud of; it’s a social convention. You could just as easily flip that on its head and ask yourself why you wouldn’t have been proud to take her name, to have your kids bear her name.
The relationship doesn’t sound good for either of you, and you both deserve love, partnership, and companionship. But it’s not loving to want to force your partner to discard their name to take yours if they don’t want to.
Enertron said:
YTA. The entire explanation gives off the vibes that you're upset the world doesn't revolve around you. There's a young child, of course they're the main focus. She should be your main focus too.
I'm actually quite concerned that the jealousy of your own daughter is going to seep into the way that you treat her, which she will catch onto quickly.
The surname thing is rather odd and petty. Women can be proud of their family and last name too. A better compromise would have been giving the child both names. I would suggest something like couples therapy before kicking your family to the curb.
LunaeLotus said:
YTA. You’re jealous of a literal child - your 3yo daughter - because your wife is being a parent to her. Grow up. Of course she’s giving her all the attention because she’s a child. Do you even care about your daughter? This post reeks of narcissism.
DEATHCATSmeow said:
YTA. Deciding to divorce your wife because of anecdotal observations for how your boss’s wife treated him the one evening you were around them seems pretty poorly thought-out, to say the least.
The opinions were incredibly divided for this one. What's your advice for this couple?
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